We’re at the final three episodes of the season. And that, if you’re a Sliders fan, means a death is approaching. Something is lost after these three episodes. They are suffused with a funereal tone.  You can make the argument that if these were the final episodes of the entire series, then the show would be better off. If we know what’s to come, that knowledge stains our enjoyment. It will truly never be this good again.

That last sentence, however, suggests that this episode is actually “good.” Which isn’t really to say that this episode is “bad,” but oi does it have some problems.

The first problem is easy, as it’s thrown in our face: WTF IS WITH THE CLOTHES. It was just about the only thing I could remember going in to this re-watch. And yes, there’s a hastily dubbed-in remark from Quinn of “these clothes are so retro.” But that’s no excuse for this:

No man should be so patterned.

or this:

This episode seriously has a man say "excellente."

or this:

NOOOOOOOOOO

After spending ten minutes staring at that fucking jacket, it’s the only thing you’ll be able to remember.

Just when we thought this show was done with all that Makin' Out...

Which is interesting, because there’s sor tof a lot going on in this episode. Quinn & Wade have an A-plot, and Remmy & Arturo have an entirely separate B-plot, everyone sort of learns something, both have wild adventures, neither really intersect in any meaningful way. It’s almost too stuffed of an episode, but I’m going to say that that’s a good thing.

See, in this episode, the “youth run the world.” Everyone older than 30 is a senior citizen, an undesirable, fodder, dirt, worthless, over, done. So the world is run by hyped up, freaked out teenagers, while the ‘elderly’ are left to starve in shelters.

It’s a rich concept, if not a little preposterous. And as such, having two over-stuffed plot arcs in beneficial to the concept. Because you (or at least me) really do want to know how the two slices of the age spectrum function. What’s it like to have to fit a life’s work of accomplishments into 30 years? Likewise, once you’re past 30, what’s it like to be suddenly second-class?

So squinty. How can he see the Stars if he is so squinty!

I’ll start with the latter first. Rembrandt & Arturo, having been told by Quinn to basically “GTFO of our plotline,” go scrappin’ and yellin’ through town. Arturo, being a man of affluence, pride, and stature (ie, WHITE), is affronted by the concept of being “second-class.” Through the whole episode he codgily rails against the system, yelling at every youth he sees and generally proves this youth-obsessed culture right about old people being worthless.

But then there’s Rembrandt, who kind of just seems like he’s along for the ride, pulling Arturo out of trouble and not saying much. But he’s not, really— for Rembrandt, he’s just back in an extremely familiar element.

Handling it like an unfortunate pro.

Now let’s be clear: Sliders isn’t, and truly be ready for this. There are two instances where the show actively engages in “race” as a topic (or three if you count a funny quip in the Season 3 gag reel)— and they’re all disastrous. One is a moody speech that comes out of nowhere in the middle of an episode that’s basically about swallowing a huge dick monster. The other is an entire episode about ‘race’ that chooses to focus more on cyborgs.

And of course, it’s never even mentioned in this episode. Rembrandt never says “Gee, Professor, now you know what it was like to grow up as an African American.” In fact, I’m willing to bet that the writers of the episode had absolutely no idea they were crafting an analogy for racial tension— and really, Arturo & Remmy’s subplot basically amounts to a longform excuse to make jokes about kids (a problem I’ll get too soon).

Instead, it’s all Cleavant Derricks— the show’s secret weapon, who when called upon always delivers the acting goods. It’s obvious that he understood the script’s secret undertones and played the part accordingly. It’s all in the way he says “no problem” to the cops who try to bust them for breaking curfew. Remmy knows that they’ll take any excuse to bust them. They’ve already got two strikes against them. Rembrandt handles the situation with a quiet grace and resigned dignity, while Arturo acts like a whiny brat. Cleavant Derricks lends a credibility to an episode that all too often leans way too far into the dark side of satire.

Speaking of that dark side, let’s look at Quinn & Wade’s plot.

Okay, fine. I would totally wear that jacket.

Like I said, the clothes are atrocious. But the clothes are just a small part of a larger problem this episode has. The entire ’parallel earth’ idea is basically created as an excuse to make fun of ‘the youth.’ The whole ’petulant children running the country’ idea, at least as expressed in the episode, is largely offensive to the younger generation. It ages the production team immensely, making the show seem like it’s made by a bunch of stuffy old men trying vainly to relate to the younger generation, failing, then settling taking cheap shots at what they don’t understand.

Which isn’t a way to make a television show with any staying power. The whole problem is tempered, though, by Quinn & Wade reacting to the situation with what starts as detachement and slowly builds to an embarrassed disgust that people who share their faces could be so terrible.

Still, the episode is at it’s core a smarter-than-usual (but still needlessly complicated with ‘twists’ and ‘reveals’ about characters we don’t give a shit about) case of Sliders-by-numbers, enhanced greatly by the fact that they aren’t trying to change the whole of society. They’re only really trying to bring justice to a small group of people (and also stalling a project that not only takes away jobs from ‘elderlies’ [2012 hotpoint!], but also teaches kids to learn by selling sodas). The end of the episode doesn’t even make it clear if they succeed. Arturo’s “can’t save every world you land on” is a great line, and it’s a shame that we couldn’t have had this kind of semi-bleak ending in an episode like “Time Again & World” or “Prince of Wails.”

Man, what a team of really tall dudes. For president.

Cancer is not cured by this episode, but we’re still much better off than we were at the beginning of the season. We’ve made progress, not regression. People are trying to make a decent television show. If we put our minds in 1996, we’ll be excited for this show, excited for the future.

If this was Season Three, Quinn would make out with her, and we'd be having different discussions about this show.

Two points in addendum: First, the fact that the wife of the dude that Alt-Wade probably murdered is no more than 15 is awesome and terrifying, and opens up more eerie implications of how this Earth’s culture operates.

Second, I would be remiss not to mention the giant continuity error in this episode. Rembrandt, at the beginning of the episode, says that they slide “the next day”. Then night comes, followed by the dawn, where Rembrandt says that they slide “tomorrow.” And then he says it again the next day. Basically, by “tomorrow,” Remmy meant “three or four days, I’m not sure but whatever.” Now, I’m not one to be bothered by that things, but this one was a little too glaring.

"Smelt it, dealt it, guys."

But like I said at the opening, a death is approaching. This was the last episode produced for Season Two, and all signs were pointing to it being the final season.  Meaning for the actors and crew, this seemed like it might have been the end. The show had been on the low end of the bubble for the whole run, and if there was any chance for renewal, there would have to be a price paid in blood. The show as it stood in ’96 wasn’t going to make it on a network like FOX. It wasn’t ever going to be a show like The X-Files— I’d argue that Sliders is too weird to break out of a cult following. And the TV climate of 96 wasn’t as forgiving as it is now, where a show as bizarre as Fringe could pull absolutely shit ratings but still get renewed for a fourth season. Sliders is a show that needed nurturing, but there was no one around to nurture it.

So for every one involved in the show, this was the end. It lends the final scene a little extra bit of heft. The photo of Alt-Quinn and Alt-Wade becomes a memento not only to the failed love of these doubles, but also the cancelled love of Our Quinn and Wade, and for the show itself.

Still, if it’s an end for the show, it isn’t yet an end for us watching it. This tour through Season Two is going to close with the two most imaginative (and bat-shit crazy) hours of TV the show ever produced.

Next week: the Seeds of Doom are sewn (Invasion).

I really didn’t want to watch this episode. I looked at my list of remaining Season Two eps and thought “oh man, Greatfellas is next? UUUGH (first nerd problems).” But I couldn’t tell you why. Fan consensus doesn’t hate this episode (not that they really love it, either). I don’t remember ever hating this episode.

Plus, it’s actually an episode with personal distinction: this is one of only two episode that I remember seeing as they aired (the other is actually “The Seer.” UUUGH). It’s a vague memory at best— I’m at a friend’s house, and someone must’ve wanted to watch it, because there was no reason for us to not be playing video games. More than one person remarked “oh, yeah, I’ve heard of this show.”

For better or for worse, if this show is ever well-remembered enough to warrant an epitaph, “oh, yeah, I’ve heard of this show” will be that. Let’s just say, in my day to day life, I talk about Sliders a lot (by blog-necessity, it’s often on my mind). The reaction I get (aside from tolerance to “Ian, really— again?) is pretty much just “oh, yeah, I’ve heard of that show— they go to different planets right?” and then they describe an episode from either Season Two or Season Three, and then I politely tell them that “actually they don’t go to different planets.” Then they ask me if it’s actually a good show and I tell them “well, not really. But you should totally watch it anyways.”

Another time, I’ll go into my life’s ebb/flow relationship with Sliders. First I’m going to address the huge elephant in the room that resides in this episode.

Maybe not an elephant. More like a hole.

Or a mist.

A smooth… mist.

A velvet…

…fog.

Who the hell in the 18-30 demographic is going to know who that is?

Yes, Mel Tormé, The Velvet Fog, is in this episode. And while I can’t (or maybe just don’t want to) really say that “we knew this was coming,” the fact remains that we knew this was coming. Tracy Tormé, in case I haven’t mentioned it before, is like, actually Mel Tormé’s son. It’s not a coincidence.

So we have reason to be, if not nervous, then at least skeptical. The cry of “nepotism” is never far off. If we’re that kind of fan, then we’ll notice that Tracy’s name isn’t listed anywhere in the credits. (A slight tangent: I realize that I’ve totally ignored things like ‘who wrote what when,’ and I’m actually sort of bummed about that. Here’s the run-down: Jon Povill is the best [unless he writes El Sid], Tony Blake and Paul Jackson are the second-best [Gillian & Love Gods are well-remembered-and-actually-also-good classics], there are people who only write an episode once or twice, and Tracy’s scripts are serviceable, but sort of bogged down by either a good idea taken in the wrong direction [Into The Mystic] or bogged down my Network interference [Into The Mystic, every script that isn't the Pilot].) So to see Scott Smith “Good Bad & Wealthy” Miller’s name on the story credit means that Tracy took someone else’s idea and decreed that “Yo, Scott, ham-hand my Dad up innit.”

But as awful as that seems, there’s something uncanny about this episode: it’s not bad. Not only that, but the very best parts of the episode are the parts with Mel Tormé. One could conceivably argue that if Mel wasn’t in this episode, it would only be middle of the road at best. Mel Tormé out-acts pretty much every guest actor that’s ever been on the show! Seriously, he’s electric! I find it hard to explain how good he is in the episode without sounding like a sarcastic dick, but I’m totally serious. Just watch this video:

Skiddly-diddly-doobiddy-dee, indeed.

Mel aside, there’s a lot in the episode to speak highly of. I mean, after you cut around the padding and the fact that there’s a whole season’s worth of plotting happening… when the Sliders are out of the room. What I mean is that the sliders’ adventure on this world amounts to breaking up a wedding or something and getting mistaken for their doubles and Quinn having to gamble and also being an idiot.

An attempt to lure back the 18-30 demographic.

The thing is that the parallel history here is better thought out than pretty much any other so far. Prohibition was never repealed, which leads to America being the most corrupt place on Earth. The Mafia and other organized crime syndicates take advantage of the huge smuggling opportunities abound, using the great wealth they offer to more or less take over the country. Also Ronald Reagan is Governor of California (a joke that’s less funny post-Schwarzenegger). Written down, it looks a little ridiculous—and the shot of San Fran covered in Casino glitter is hugely ridiculous— but the episode sells it by showing the underbelly of society. The ways that the American Government is more or less powerless is… well, I’m hesitant to use such a glowing word as ‘chilling,’ but it’s an effective way to get the point across. This is a dimension where the ‘one silly change that makes it different’ actually has consequences. It’s kind of impressive.

I would say that this is an attempt to show how poorly lit the FBI office is, if the entire show wasn't always this poorly lit.

But even if I’m a fan of the alternate history, I can’t wholly defend the entire episode. Watching the thing, one kind of gets the feeling like you could remove the sliders from the episode and you wouldn’t really miss them. And they’re even doing stuff! Sort of. I guess they’re just really running around and reacting to things happening around them. We’re supposed to believe that they’re all doubles of a crack FBI team, right? I mean, we only see Rembrandt’s double— which makes sense from a budgetary standpoint, I guess (though now that I think about it, I don’t we ever see a full team of doubles, do we?). But it seems like the script waffles back and forth on whether it wants them all to be “Incorruptibles” or not. There’s a plot where they apparently stop Nevada & California from seceding from the Union, but the way the action unfolds, it’s A) hard to tell that’s happening, and B) doesn’t seem like the sliders had to be there at all. Like, they’re only there to explain to the audience what’s happening. Also Cleavant Derricks’ performance as his FBI double is pretty awful. It’s so one-note it’s boring. He’s like “I’M SERIOUS,” and I’m like “dude I get it.” But still, Alt-Brandt’s got to work in an abandoned warehouse with an “FBI” sign duct taped to it. It’s a nice touch. On my most cynical days, I could almost imagine this world becoming our own.

Also what is this jacket Wade is wearing:

White piped pants? Piped lapels? WHY SO MUCH PIPING!?!?!?!

The thing is, while there’s so much to enjoy in this episode, it just feels a little tired. It’s the same old story: they slide in, get involved in something, tell each other not to get involved, and then spend the rest of the episode being involved and trying to change the workings of the world they’re in. Sliders-by-numbers all the way. There’s good ideas, but they’re bogged down by the show itself. Like, if this wasn’t an episode of Sliders, it would probably be better. And if this is going to be the formula for the show to come, then it’s going to become a real problem.

But who cares? We got Mel!

...or not.

Next week: Kids plot the darndest things! (The Young and the Relentless)

Home.

The threat of home hangs over these people every day. Every time these people enter a new world, whether we hear it or not, the question is asked: “is this our home?” And the more they never get there, the larger they realize this roulette wheel really is, and the more hopeless the journey becomes.

We, of course, know, that you can’t go home again. They’ve been gone so long (18 months, according to Rembrandt in this episode, which is actually kind of incredible) that they wouldn’t know home if they saw it, if it smacked them in the face.

So then what if they did make it home? What if the concept of home waltzed up and made it clear the journey was over? What would these people do? 

“Post Traumatic Slide Syndrome” is a high-concept episode. Sure, you can have dinosaurs and you can have psychics, but this is something else— to have an episode where the plot is “the end.” Because for all intents and purposes, an episode where the sliders get home is the end of the show.

Look, everybody. There’s a (pretty short) list of episodes that pretty much everybody agrees are the best episodes of Sliders. “Luck of the Draw” is one of them. “El Sid” is not. This episode is one of those episodes that you’re supposed to absolutely love if you’re a Sliders fan.

Now it’s time for me to tell you how I came up with the idea for this blog: I watched this episode whilst high and thought it was the worst ever. The next day I was stunned— this is Sliders! My favorite show! What’s supposed to be the best episode! Is the entire show as bad as this? Answer: no, it’s not (mostly). More complicated answer: Post Traumatic Slide Syndrome isn’t that bad either.

But, in honor of my initial re-watch, I present this episode with the Time Again & World method of blog post— the ‘journal entry’ approach. This time I’ll augment it from time to time, as this is an episode that deserves at least a little bit of respect. But it’s also worth it to treat this ep with a bit of fun, no?

Sure, why not. Here we go:

-high concept- rembrandt in therapy!

All this episode is missing is a shot of the therapist playing tic-tac-toe.

-quinn’s mom thing

As in, they recast Linda Henning with a half-melted Auton.

-how cute they are! greatest hits of sliders, so cute so cute.

B F F Z // Q T Z

“to friendship” —SEE GUYS I WAS RIGHT

I'm also right about all the drinking they do.

full of nice scenes, slow pace at first, let them (and us) acclimate (to ‘the end’). oh hey, remmy hasn’t seen the batcave!

Rembrandt wastes no time making jokes about Quinn's Penis.

keep it quiet. an interesting (and wise) idea

The rest of the episode is them watching TV and eating chips. Forever.

“all the things we’ve done, the things we’ve seen. it’s all because of you. thank you.” KISSY KISS KISSM KISS

NOM NOM NOM

also New Quinn’s mom is the WORST.

Like, did they hire her as a favor? She is the worst.

ha ha everyone is going to tell EVERYONE

Well, that took all of five minutes.

OH SHIT BETRAAAAYYYYYYEED

BETRAYED FACE ACTIVATED

DOLLA DOLLA DOLLA

GREED FACE ACTIVATED

WADES DIARY (bar scene)

Wade's Diary, as in, "Here's to Remembering that she has one."

Quinn’s evidence: I’m a nerd/I’m a jerk

Seriously, it may as well have been "this dog I ran over with a car when I was 15 is still alive on this world."

Well, now you’re being robbed, so no biggz/

FINISH HIM

Wade is SUCH a bizzy lady

Where is this loft/office? How does Wade afford it? Where does it come from? She had time to make all this happen? How long have they been here? NITPICKS!

Arturo’s press conference:

More like Arturo's GRUMPY conference!

nice model i am sure you couldn’t turn it yourself, max

OH OKAY NOW I UNDERSTAND HOW THIS WORKS OF COURSE

Rembrandt spends his time at home RE-RECORDING HIS OLD HITS IDENTICALLY

I mean, I understand things like "budget" and "time constraints," but this is a little ridiculous.

quiet moments without Quinn— character gold, right?

I mean, as long as no one is complaining.

LOL WORST STATUE EVER

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

“The Father of Inter Dimensional Travel”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA, pt. ii

LOL WORST WINDOW CGI EVER

But seriously, you're pinning the entire episode on a piece of CGI this bad? Dudes, please.

“i’m nothing!” wait, IM nothing? that’s weird.

"Iceman" Mallory up in here.

Quinn is saying the right thing, but daaamn. (By this I am referring to how ridiculous Wade’s reaction is. Not the fact that she is upset that she is not home- that’s understandable. I’m really just bewildered about the “my career” bit. She really cares that much? Are these people so near-sighted and greedy that they’re more disappointed about cashflow than emotional stability? Food for thought, or not.)

man, WHYYYY is the professor such a DOUUUCHEEE

Number One Douche up in heeah!

YOU MUST DO WHAT YOU MUST DO

...in bed.

BUT THEN SO WILL I

...baby.

Whoa, Quinn lays it down: I’m not sure I can ever get us home.

Quinn admitting this is actually kind of a really really big deal.

SEE GUYS? GUILLLLT?

but wade is the nicest:

We’ll make it.

Wade Welles, breakin' hearts again.

(Yeah, right)

Kudos for actually getting Maurice FIsh (and the pastor from Last Days? no wonder Remmy was so smug around him).

d be so nervous around FIsh, though.

Like seriously, I would be so worried the dude was going to try to gut me.

CRACK COMMANDO UNIT

I should really make a Sliders Drinking Game. New Rule: a shot every time they break & enter.

BUSTADDOOOOO

No one saw THAT coming.

OH SHIT REMMY U GOIN TO THA LOONY BIN

BUT REALLY WE SHOULD CALL THE COPS ON THAT HAIRDO

BFFZ

Bros.

CRACK COMMANDO UNIT PART TWO

sliders so crazy breakin people’s windows

SEE? It's already two shots for breaking & entering (three if you count Alt-Turo stealing the Timer), and two for everyone drinking! We are so drunk now!

WUZZAT

URRR?

IZZAT A DAWG BARKIN

RRRUH-ROH!

a really big dog

Woof.

“of course” ha ha, when quinine says “Of course” he is the dumbest dude

"Of course" yourself!

“now I know how the isrealites felt when Moses delivered them from the pharaoh”

…right.

'COS THERE'S A THRILLER IN (wade's eyes)

OH SHIT OH SHIT

Shoot 'em from behind the shoulder, save them dollaz.

DOUBLE TROUBLE

Trouble Double?

OH MY OH MY

Is it cheaper not to focus or something?

WHOS WHO BATTLE OF THE BULGE (get it?)

Joe Smarm up in here.

Back and forth of knowledge!

This scene is just riveting.

…and HEADBUTT

FINISH HIM, pt. ii

“you better be the right one, man”

Peace out, bro.

like, really? this is all the looking into it they do? isn’t this a REALLY BIG DEAL?

and because WHY WOULD WE SPEND TIME DELVING INTO WADE’S PAST, her parents are no more than extras.

Because her non-character isn't frustrating enough.

i hate quinn’s mom, guys.

I mean, I'm not trying to be mean (I sort of am, though), but what is wrong with her FAAACE?

BUMMER TAXI PUMP THAT MUSIICCCCC

Seriously, it might as well be "Eye of the Tiger" at this point.

OH SHIT ARTURO ON ARTURO

The worst CGI ever, pt. ii.

The worst CGI ever, part iii. (Seriously though really bad OOH NEW DRINKING GAME RULE)

“oh my god.”

No one ever mentions how he says "confound it" right before this.

and with those words, sliders fanfiction is born.

EXTEND THAT

and then, a funny little coda where the sliders break into the therapist’s office and make him CRAYZEE

like a robin’s egg.

Yeah, actually, it is "Robin's Egg." Sounds better than "Vortex Blue," I guess?

Okay, so an addendum: we’ve had some crazy endings before (all roads lead to “Luck of the Draw”), and this one sort of plays down how insane it is. But we’ve got to stop (especially if you’ve never seen it before [and I'm assuming that at least ONE of you hasn't seen the show before]). But we truthfully don’t know if the right Arturo slid with them. Sure, you can play shell-games and educated guesswork or just ask Tracy Tormé, but if you’re not that kind of fan, you’d be forgiven for freaking the fuck out.

And like I said, this is the moment Sliders fanfiction is born (slight hyperbole). Because if there’s an alternate Arturo who happens to be the real Arturo, then said Arturo would be having his own adventures trying to get home (one assumes). And, should something terrible happen to the Professor travelling with the sliders, then there’s a backup copy stuck on Azure Gate world. So, in a way, this Alt-Turo Shell Game amounts to an easy 1-Up. An extra life. We know he’s out there. Waiting.

I take it back. This isn’t a horrible episode. But what it represents is more important than what actually happens in it. It is, however, a fantastic example of the ‘anything goes’ approach to the show being an incredible success. This show doesn’t have to be either Dinosaurs or This— it can be both.

Next week: Like a Velvet Fog Plugged with Lead (Greatfellas).

CHARACTERS TALKING:

WADE TALKING ABOUT QUINN/NOT YELLING:

EVERY CHARACTER GETTING SOMETHING TO DO:

AN ACTUALLY INTERESTING WAY TO DEAL WITH A LUDICROUS IDEA FOR AN ALTERNATE HISTORY:

This one is a little vague, but yeah.

And then there’s the FOX way of seeing the episode:

DINOSAURS:

DINOSAURS:

HOLY SHIT DINOSAURS:

OH FUCK DINOSAURS:

DINO DINO DINOS:

MOTHERFUCKING DINOSAURS:

MOTHERFUCKING RATINGS:

So there you go. This episode has Dinosaurs. Technically, it only has one dinosaur. An Allosaurus, which, y’know, points for not just making it a T-Rex.

But this episode is really tricky. Because, yes, they slide into a world where San Francisco is an animal reserve for the endangered species of Dinosaurs. The entire city is just wildlife and forest—all thanks to a really good cave set (which is the last time I’m ever going to say that about the show), and inspired location shooting.

But that’s only part of it. That cave set is inhabited by two persons— a forest ranger and a dino poacher. It’s here that I step back and lay loose the inspiration behind this episode:

Right. First: dang, trailers sure have changed since 1996. Second: not that you’d know it, but there’s a character in that big-time Hollywood movie played by a nice young man named Jerry O’Connell.

Right, so we have to engineer an excuse for Quinn to disappear. But that wasn’t even the original reason for crafting this episode. Sliders, being (now) ostensibly an ‘action/adventure’ show, is an expensive show. Location shoots! Guest stars! And countless shots of a vortex! Corners need to be cut. And instead of pulling a pre-BSG BSG and literally cutting the corners off of the paper, they go to the tried-and-true TV trope of a ‘bottle show.’

For people who don’t read thousands of blogs about TV shows all the time, a bottle show is an episode where the majority of the action is filmed on one set to cut costs and rein the budget in.

So that was the original intent of “In Dino Veritas.” But Jerry O’Connell’s need to go shoot a big-ass movie necessitated a re-tooling of the plot. So instead of everyone sitting around a campfire, we get three quarters of the team and a subplot involving Dino-Poaching. The whole “poacher/ranger” plot is pretty ingenious. O course if there were dinosaurs, there’d be poaching. The list of potential medical uses fo dinosaur parts is inspired, as is the retort about the dino-sex glands. Imagine the dino-furry porn on this world! “Pterodactyl Sex”, but real!

I digress. The idea was always to have a dinosaur, but it was going to be a background threat. Somehow, though, the FX team found they could make a CG Dino on the cheap. So there’s another level— dinosaur action.

It’s the latter that complicates things. FOX didn’t know what the fuck to do with this show, but here, in this episode, they’re handed ratings on a silver platter— Jurassic Park on TV. BAM. Primetime. Money. Revenue. Whatever.

The thing is, this episode couldn’t be any less about Dinosaurs if it tried to be. It’s actually the third episode in a row that I’ve watched that cements the idea that this show is less about alternate histories than it is about friendship. I mean, that’s incredibly corny. But the middle of this episode is dominated/defined by an extended conversation between Arturo & Wade about Quinn.

Pond Broodin'

Wade starts soft, saying how she used to have a crush on him. But it’s different now.

“I just really love him, you know? Without condition. I’d give my life for him.”

So there’s that. You could hang the entire series on that one line. All that she puts into that line: the delivery, the look in her eyes. And the fact that the lie-detecting-truth-collars (long story) don’t electrocute her.

But’s it’s the thing I’ve been arguing for weeks: that this show isn’t the story of four people travelling from universe to universe. It’s the story of four strangers becoming a family. Wade’s declaration of love effectively closes the book on the whole ‘will-they-or-won’t-they’ non-plot, but in a more satisfying way than any single episode could. These people, they’re more than just companions. Like I’ve said, they’re all they’ve got.

Arturo follows it up with a heartwarming story about the first time he met Quinn, an impetuously intelligent nag of a student. Arturo’s excitement about the memory is moving, and serves to inspire the gang not to worry about Quinn. That’s the thing— not only is Quinn important to them, as a friend, he’s also a symbol of instigation, the impetus for belief in themselves.

He can see his career blossoming off the horizon...

It’s probing to be a little hard to explain at length what the importance of Quinn Mallory is to these people. I mean, certainly, he’s the “one who got them into this.” It’s his job to “get them out of it.” But he’s also the one character who hasn’t changed very much since this journey. I mean, he might be more sullen every now and then, but he’s still more in it for the sights than anyone else. Wade, when she’s not shrilly yelling at people (though her shrillness in this episode is a deserved moment and services her character rather than diminishes), is morose about their dwindling prospects of getting home. Rembrandt has calmed down remarkably as well. But the key thing is that they’ve undoubtedly started to look to Quinn as the de facto leader of the group in a way they never had before.

I’m rambling. I’ll table this discussion for later— there’ll be more opportunities to bring it up.

We have to talk about the fact that the scene that informs the emotional underpinning of every adventure from now on comes in the middle of an episode with a fucking dinosaur in it.

HEYY GUYYS

I’m supposed to be nice (I guess). I should be nice. It’s 1996. It’s a television show that doesn’t have a huge budget. But let’s be honest: this dinosaur looks really bad. Like, really bad.

PUT YA HANDZ IN THA AIIIR

I mean, it’s feet don’t even look like they touch the ground. The whole thing is preposterous. But, like I said, I have to be honest: this dinosaur is the reason Sliders got a third season. There is no analogy well-enough fitting to describe how much of a  double edged sword this dinosaur is (see what I did there?) “In Dino Veritas” netted Sliders it’s highest ratings ever. And while this is more or less undoubtedly because FOX promoted the shit out of it, putting it in the sweeps and devising s “SLIDERS IN JURASSIC PARK” campaign. No shit it had high ratings. Half of those ratings probably came from people who had never seen the show before. But those people were only going to be confused about why they should care about these strangers complaining in a cave. “The fat dude wants to be left behind?” They’d say. “Sure, I don’t care. Leave him.”

"need... neeed... needle," he said, later.

But those ratings, while not as honest as they might otherwise be, mean that no matter what, FOX has the ratings to prove that action will sell. So this episode secures and seals the fate of the show. Nothing can really be the same after this. Any ground Tracy Tormé had won just won’t matter anymore.

HAIII GUYYZZZ

I’m going to be in an alternate dimension where I don’t write this blog next week (IE, “vacation.”)

But the week after that… Sliders fanfiction is born (Post Traumatic Slide Syndrome).

Tracy Tormé, creator of Sliders (y’know, in case you forgot), thought this episode was “middle of the road.” And while I admit that the alt-history of “erryone is psychic” is more or less bullshit, calling “Obsession” a decent-at-best episode constitutes a problem for the show. It brings us back to the show’s biggest problem: the unanswerable question of “What is Sliders supposed to be?”

At this point, we’ve settled in to a sort of willy-nilly approach to story telling, an “anything goes’ miasma of interdimensional proportion. Taken in the most negative of ways, this means that “alternate history” doesn’t matter— if a writer has a kooky idea for anything, all he has to do is shoehorn Quinn, Arturo, Wade, or (yes, or) Rembrandt into it, and BAM! Instant Sliders episode.

But in the most positive of outlooks, this means the show is a huuuge potential sandbox. More Twilight Zone than Party of Five (or whatever). If there aren’t any boundaries to what you can do on this show, then you can truly do anything (right? Isn’t that how that logic would work?). This week and last weeks’ episodes not only prove that the ‘sandbdox’ approach can work, they also prove that this show only works when you anchor it around the characters.

In fact, this episode might even be as close as we can get to knowing what this show is actually about. At it’s core, it’s about the bond between these four people— what happens when you’re separated from all you know— how these people rely on each other. Sliders, in it’s kooky mid-90s way, it sort of a precursor to Lost (and if I was writing this blog a year and a half ago, damn would my hits go through the roof).

In the interest of actually talking about “Obsession,” I’ll return to the point I’m trying to make later. Like I said, this episode is about a world full of psychics. But (thank Christ) it’s much more than that. It’s an honest-to-goodness “Wade-centric” episode. The first and best since “Luck of the Draw” (oh, and hey, they’re written by the same dude [Jon Povill for president]).

So here’s the shorthand skinny: Isaac “Psychic” Hayes hits Remmy in the foot with a car, which causes two things to occur:

•Rembrandt gets laid.

• Wade (who is imprisoned is a glitzy psychic mansion, later freed by Arturo and Remmy because Arturo pays attention to what Wade reads; gets a “Romeo and Juliet” idea to ‘poison’ her— then they steal an ambulance and drive it to a lake) has a rough couple of days.

BULLSEYE

I mean, I know. But it’s really well plotted, with twists and turns that do a better job of misleading you than they have the right to. The whole endgame, where the Sliders leave Quinn in the dark in order to fool Wade’s psychic fianceé (I mean, I know), is brilliant for two reasons. Not just because “not knowing the plan” is the only way to fool a psychic (so y’know, kudos) but because Quinn is left actually believing that Wade is dying. From Quinn, we get no playacting: we get the real deal.

It hasn’t been since (again) “Luck of the Draw” that we’ve seen Quinn so raw over Wade. Even in “Gillian of the Spirits,” where it was entirely possible that he’d never see her again, he didn’t seem too worked up over it. He just seemed… resigned. But why? What’s the difference? It’s fair to assume that the reason Quinn is ragged because, to him, Wade’s death is undoubtedly his fault. Which is preposterous: if she actually took real sleeping pills, that’s her decision. But everyday, Quinn is forced to remember that his little experiment is the reason for every little thing that happens to these people. So even if it’s Wade’s decision to kill herself, she’s killing herself because of Quinn’s actions.

But still, it’s not as if Wade would ever angry at Quinn for bringing her along. Rembrandt, having had his broad comedic strokes toned down this season, hasn’t been egging Quinn on about how everything is his fault/ everything is shitty because of his / I WANT MY CADILLAC BACK/ etc. But you just know Quinn still feels it. He’s been much more despondent this season, less the plucky go-getter college student he was in the first season. Slidings seems like less fun to him (and since he’s been shot, I can’t really blame him). We’re starting to notice the beginnings of the ‘downward spiral of guilt’ that defines Quinn Mallory’s character arc.

Or maybe he's just jealous that everyone else gets to make out all the time.

Now, with pretty much everyone’s arc (except Rembrandt’s, but that’s for later), we (yes, we, you’re included) have to start this tangent by admitting that most of this is projection. I doubt seriously that the writers sat down and decided that “over the course of the series, these characters will change and grow in these ways.” I mean, maybe they did (and that’s what they’re supposed to do), but they were also probably far too busy trying to keep the show out of FOX’s jaws— trying to craft shows that appeased the “make this an action show” suits while still adhering to their own goals.

So when I say “Quinn has a lot of guilt and it’s starting to show,” I’m not speaking to any decision on Jerry O’Connell’s part. I’m speaking to mixture of facial coincidence— Jerry looks bored, we read it as Quinn looking despondent. But I’m also speaking to what we know of the character of Quinn Mallory. We’ve been watching this show for, what, a season and a half? We’ve gotten to know these people, and (barring weird ‘prayer candle’ shit) we know how they tick. And we can chart difference in these characters. Rembrandt’s certainly maturing, for one. But Quinn has really changed the most, and not for the better (that’s a clunky sentence, but also WHATEVER THIS IS THE INTERNET 2012 [yikes i will regret that later {but I don't care enough to remove it}])

Every time they fail to get home, it hurts Quinn a little more. Remember how excited he was in “Eggheads” to auto-set the dope-ass cell phone? And then how excited he was at the ‘chance’ to go home in “Into The Mystic?” Now remember the last time they even bothered to look up a double of Quinn’s. It’s entirely possible that Quinn’s just given up on the whole “getting home” thing. The best he can do is keep everyone alive as long as possible. He’s taken it upon himself to be the group’s caretaker.

ACTING

So when it really looks like Wade is going to die, it’s too much for him. Not only is he about to lose a friend (or more, who even knows anymore), he’s also losing the stability of the team. He’s also gaining more guilt: if Wade really dies, he’s failed the only mission that’s still feasible— the only thing he has in the world is keeping these people alive. Wade doesn’t die, of course. But she could have as far as Quinn knows, and that’s enough to break down Quinn just a little more.

And y’know, it was this episode that reminded me why I loved/love this show. It truly is these four happy wanderers: their bond, their relationship, their quirks. It’s them I love, and it’s for them I watch this occasionally brain dead show. If (and, spoilers, when) they leave the journey, the shadow they cast will be impenetrable.

But hey, look, I just spent a billion words in a Wade-centric episode talking mostly about Quinn. Next week, I promise she’ll get a little more time. Because, y’know, that Prime Oracle sure doesn’t like the look of the next world they’re headed to:

I see... mutated... earthworms... shitting... magical life elixirs?

Next Week: Life finds a way (In Dino Veritas).

There’s a problem I face when talking about an episode like this. This doesn’t speak to any sort of poor quality episode. In fact, maybe the first thing I should say is that this is without a doubt (for me), the best episode of the season thus far (I mean, not that it has a ton of competition). But how do I talk about something that I flat out love? How will inspiration strike?

Tiddy-boom.

In this episode, a bolt of lightning strikes the vortex, shunting Quinn into an “astral plane.” Let’s start there. On paper, and sure, in practice, saying something like “Quinn is trapped on the Astral Plane” sounds soo dumb. Somehow, though, they make it work here. We’re never really told that Quinn honestly believes he’s on an “astral plane.” But that’s the closest equivalent he can relate it to, to help the rest of the team (and us knaves in the audience) understand his situation.

No more Pizza on an empty stomach, Q-Ball...

One thing I do like, if I may return briefly to the “astral plane” subject, is Wade’s brief half-explanation of how the ‘plane figures into Astrology. It’s a throwaway line, but it opens up a huge world of possibility. It connects Sliding and the nature of Interdimensional Travel into a larger world, a more spiritual world. The show never did anything with this (even when they go to a world with Mages and Druids [ugh]), which I would say is a missed opportunity, were it not for the fact that this show has no idea what it’s doing most of the time, and any such ‘mysticism + vortex’ episode would probably be a trainwreck of the highest degree.

But as much as I might like that line and it’s unexplored implications, it actually comes in the middle of what’s sort of a nagging problem in the episode. It’s a return to the Season One Style “Wade Problem,” in which the show, not having any idea what to do with her character, chooses to have her character do whatever. Usually in Season One, this “whatever” usually meant “nothing.” But here in Season Two it actually means “whatever needs to happen to pad out a minute or two of the script.” So, all of the sudden, when they enter a Church —which was Rembrandt’s idea, seeing as the only person on the team who has even breathed a mention of God before, this makes sense— Wade says “I’m going to say a prayer for Quinn” and goes over to light a candle.

Though it actually looks more like she's trying not to throw up.

Whuuut? Look, this isn’t me bashing religion or anything (I’ll let the show do that in Season 4). But to see someone who wasn’t very long ago donning hippie robes and expounding on the Zodiac solemnly light a prayer candle for her BFF seems really bizarre. It doesn’t come off as a ‘character revelation.’ We aren’t learning some new bit of information hitherto unknown. We’re just watching the writers throw darts at a picture of Wade that has different actions written on it (half an inch to the left and she would’ve danced a Rhumba). Rembrandt may be nothing more than a plot instigator, but Wade’s role as a plot-reactor just gets more and more frustrating. Especially when the only time she does assert any sort of personality, she’s right back to maximum “shrill” setting.

Quinn can take it, though. What a trooper.

Whatever, though. I forgot until like, a second ago that Wade kind of makes up for everyone in the fake-out “Peace Out Forever Quinn” scene when all she says is “damn you.” Emotionally, it’s on par with her refusal to Make Out with Quinn in “Luck of the Draw.” It’s a good moment, and not really what you’d expect (but in a good way).

A missed opportunity to play Prince's "Damn U" over the credits.

And Gillian! The titular Gillian of the Spirits —a teenager who somehow is mentally tuned to higher planes— she’s our link to Quinn, and she is excellent. I mean, really. Let’s think of the parade of guest stars we’ve had this season… actually, let’s really not do that.

More like "Gillian of the Great Bangs," amirite?

So sure, Gillian’s arc is that of “misunderstood teen” with a paranormal twist. And if Gillian wasn’t so good— if Deanna Milligan  (that’s right she is so good I’m bothering to look up who played her— oh hey she was a prostitute in that one X-Files with the Hair & Nails fetishist who was maybe also Satan) didn’t sell her frustration, her heartbreak, her despair and indignation so perfectly— that’s all it would be (as in, a “misunderstood teen” arc- that last sentence got wayyy out of hand). The way the casting usually works out on this show, you’d expect Gillian to be as bad as the fucking kid in “The Good The Bad and The Wealthy.” This episode shouldn’t work at all. But it does, and it’s pretty much all her fault.

Work it, girl. Whatever 'it' is you may be 'working', continue to do that.

This episode is also plotted better than anything else we’ve seen this season. I mean, we’re still in that sort of escape/capture/escape territory, certainly. We’re even saddled with a “fuck, I broke my dope-ass cell phone” plotline.

I like how they're so confused about why the Timer doesn't work. MAYBE BECAUSE IT IS BURNT TO A CRISP?

Most episodes this season would have just left us with “Quinn’s disappeared.” But here we have the sliders landing on a world where the necessary tech to fix the dope-ass cell phone is illegal. And then we haveve the only person able to fix it being a double of Quinn’s dead Dad. And that’s all while Quinn is stuck on an Astral Plane. And that’s while Gillian learns the lesson of self-confidence. Sure, it’s not Moffatt-era Doctor Who, but compared to, say, “El Sid,” it might as well be Pale Fire.

Hide your kids, hide your wife...

Let’s all forgive the episode for that whole “yeah you only get a minute with the Vortex” faux-pas, and give it a victory lap for all the other great things that happen:

•Rembrandt ribbing Wade about her and Q-Ball gettin’ bizzy:

So, girl, give me the deets: did he Tip it or what?

•Arturo and Remmy’s break-in scene:

Maximillian Arturo: Secret Agent Prof.

•Quinn’s dad’s basement:

WHO PAINTED THIS???

•And of course, the best delivery of any line ever delivered on this show, Gillian’s heartwrenching admission to Quinn: “you’re the closest thing to a best friend I’ve ever had, and I can’t even hug you.”

OHH, IM GOING TO CRY LIKE A MAN, AS HARD AS I CAN

And it all ends with a tearful reunion on a bookending world where everyone is Naked!!!

THE MALE ALWAYS COMES THROUGH (see what I did there?)

YYYYEAAHHHHHHHH!

Next Week: I knew you were going to say that! (Obsession.)

YEE-HAW.

Okay, remember when I was talking about a show needing to stretch it’s genre-legs? In the first minute, I was going to say “this isn’t what I meant.” They slide into a western-themed world: San Francisco, Texas. They find themselves in The Wall Street Saloon. The amount of Season Two episode tropes we’re going through is crazy. Bar fight. Quinn tries to intervene. Of course he does! He’s so headstrong. He’s a golden (nerd) boy!

But then the episode takes a swivel that we can’t really see coming at this point in the show. Quinn is forced to defend himself in an old-fashioned gun duel. Sliders by numbers all around. But then he actually fires the gun. And the man falls to the ground. Quinn’s jaw goes slack as it sinks in: he’s just killed a man.

Now, that’s a teaser!

"Oh my God," pt. i

We’ll be wistfully remembering this episode in the later seasons, so let’s just revel in Quinn’s guilt and mortification over killing someone. Let us also revel in the fact that said guilt is the motivation for everything Quinn does in the episode.

Usually, there’ll be either a damsel in distress or an oppressed people that guide the sliders on a quest for revolution. And while we do have a damsel here, she doesn’t do much egging on (she’s more just a walking and talking example of how all-too-often plot points on this show seem like they probably looked a lot cooler on the page). It’s more Quinn’s quest for absolution that drives the action.

Yet another Personality Vacuum.

The afore-mentioned damsel does somehow manage to strong-arm Rembrandt into a situation where he trades stocks via a poker game:

CRYIN' MAN SLIM FOR PRESIDENT

So more about this West-World (just kidding, robots come later). On this Earth, business negotiation and any sort of lawyering is done with a gun As in, a deal is a duel. As in, erryone be killin’ each other. Since San Fran is a part of Texas, and this gunslingin’ is ostensibly “the code of the west,” everyone is wearing Cowboy Hats and Spurs. Because of course they are!

Cowboyz.

Now, me being me, I found myself wondering how much of this Earth is actually Western-Themed. I understand that their view of the world is skewed since their first-most concern is for Quinn. he’s got problems in the lawyer/gunslinger side of things, so do they by proxy. Still, it would’ve been nice to see how the rest of the world operates. Also, why are there Old-West looking structures so close to San Fran proper? Is this a class thing? What do the poor look like on this world? Still, if you want a tagline, you got it: this is Western World. But to the credit of the show, it’s more than that. This episode is more of a morality piece, it’s more about consequence than genre-orgy.

It’s also the first time in forever where I can sort of agree with the decision to ‘fight the evils’ of the dimension. Generally when they decide to go all ‘revolutionary,’ it isn’t for much of a cause. Like, in “Prince of Wails,” what evidence did they have of that world really being worse off? The fact that that one guy almost hit Wade with his car? Likewise, there wasn’t actually anyone being actively oppressed by the government in “Time Again and World,” but Wade decided that everyone NEEDED A CONSTITUTION (seriously, why are they so into the constitution?)

I’m exaggerating, yes, but the idea of “corporate murder” is heinous enough that I can get behind Quinn making a couple of preachy speeches.

WHINE WHINE WHINE REVOLUTION

Plus, it’s not like those speeches actually change the world. There’s no “Time Again & World”-style infographic showing the whole world dropping their guns. Quinn’s pacifist showing at the climax only serves to take down one corrupt lawyer. There’s no indication that everyone who witnessed it is going to go out and Occupy Old West Wall Street (though that would be pretty funny [looking]). It’s food for thought to them, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve had the thought before.

Rembrandt, of course, is not paying attention.

Also, even if they were going to turn around shun the workings of their society, I’m pretty sure they forgot all about it after watching four strangers open a portal through space and time and jump through it. Seriously they couldn’t have timed Quinn’s duel a little better?

So irresponsible, goys.

C’mon guys this is so irresponsible. I feel like this is a good time to talk about what I feel is the most ignored problem on the show. For all their talk about “non-interference,” isn’t the simple act of opening a huge whole in space “interference?” And I’m not even talking about something like the ‘structural integrity’ of a universe (yet). I’m just talking about the fact that any person who watches them slide has been forever altered.

Slightly, of course, but just imagine how that would butterfly effect out.

•Person witnesses the slide. They tell their friends, who worry about their sanity and have them committed. But what if insanity wasn’t a part of their destiny, pre-slide? What if they were supposed to be President? Or an inventor? Or if they were going to cure AIDS or something?

•Also, wouldn’t the scientific communities on all these worlds freak the fuck out??? Wouldn’t they devote their energies to making their own hole in space-time, instead of devoting their energies to matters at hand?

I could go on, but don’t you see? This is just a small piece of the ramifications of Sliding. Remember “Fever?” “Different Worlds, Different Immunities?” What sort of diseases do the Sliders spread throughout the Multiverse?

Also, fuck this kid.

Okay, enough on that tangent. “The Good, The Bad, & The Wealthy” isn’t solid gold (whiny kid actors will make sure of that every time), but it has it’s heart in the right place. If this is the kind of adventure we’re being forced to have, I’d much prefer this to “Time Again & World” (forever the butt of every joke about bad episodes [until Season 3])

Still, for an episode that probably started from a memo from FOX saying “guys, try a Western,” it’s not half-bad. It may even be half-good.

Rascals.

Next Week: I’m looking through you, you’re not the same! (Gillian of the Spirits).

I’ll be back next week with “The Good, The Bad, and The Wealthy.” Stay warm out there!

I had a blast watching this episode.

But that’s kind of a problem, isn’t it? Isn’t this episode the kind that we, as intelligent science fiction television program fans, supposed to hate? It’s flashy and action-packed. The alternate history is really lacking. Wade drives a van through the vortex. But I still had a good time. Why?

This episode begs the question, more than any other before it, “what do we want out of this show?” We know what we don’t want— basically, we just don’t want “Time Again & World.” By which I mean: a ‘political espionage thriller’ genre just doesn’t graft well onto the bones of this show (until Season 5, when somehow it does graft well).

Here’s the thing: a show’s longevity sometimes is dictated by how well it can subvert it’s status quo. Take The X-Files: ostensibly a paranormal cop show. But tune in on a different week, and it could be a comedy, or a baseball show, or a near musical. And, give or take, that shimmying genre was always welcome. And it was always still the same show.

So far in Sliders season two, we’re starting to see the same approach. Throw some shit at a wall, see what sticks. You want a prison break episode? Cool. You want a political espionage thriller? Cool. You want a western? You want a 50s throwback? You want a gangster film? You want DINOSAURS?

Cool.

But there’s a problem with that. Sliders still doesn’t know what kind of show it wants to be. There’s no status quo to upset. There’s no ground to shake. There’s a strong concept, but since we don’t really know how we want to apply that concept, we have mishmash, we have soup. We have no ‘show’ to look forward to, really. Just a ‘good idea,’ applied haphazardly.

“Love Gods” is no less haphazard. As I said, the alt-history is more or less ridiculous. A virus in the gulf war launched from Iraq designed to destroy the Male Population? Okay, sure. That virus wiped out most of the world’s Dudes, except for Australia? Okay, sure. Just kidding— WHAT? That doesn’t make any sort of geographical sense.

And then the plotting of the episode? Ridiculous. Let’s recap—

Slide in: Dudes captured. Dudes conspire to break out. Dudes break out. Dudes hide. Dudes recaptured (but separately). Dudes conspire to reunite. Dudes recaptured (but on purpose). Quinn bonks a MILF. Dudes reunite (but wait, how?) Wade drives a van into the Vortex. Preggers MILF stares at Framed Polaroid of Quinn.

My Father, the Polaroid.

Right, so this episode is (on paper) ridiculous. And sure, if you think about it for more than a second, every bit of plotting falls apart. I’m not even going to say that it held my attention for the entire 44 minutes. In fact, and this is a drag, but it was more or less any scene with Wade that dragged the episode down. The scenes with Quinn and his MILF (and again, sorry, but that’s basically all we’re given here [albeit semi-tastefully]) were engaging— they had an emotional undercurrent. But Wade’s scenes all smacked of a forced attempt to make Wade seem more independent and resourceful. Which is fine, but if you’re going to do that, make sure that her ‘plan’ makes sense. It was full of twists and turns and deception and counter-deception. Maybe I blinked and missed the one line that made it make sense. But I doubt it.

And then she drives a van into the vortex.

Huh.

Okay, okay. I know. I’m really focusing on that part. But it’s exceedingly ridiculous. After all the times that Arturo whines about “the vortex not being able to contain more than four people,” she fucking drives a huge-ass VAN through it? That’s not only filled with three out of the four sliders, but also TWO EXTRA PEOPLE? And then Quinn FOLLOWS THE VAN ON FOOT?

That’s fucking stupid.

And of course, what about those two extra passengers in the van? The lovers who risked everything to be together?

Are you really curious? Because they’re never mentioned again.

So, once again, an episode is tied up extremely lazily, using the implied ‘reset button’ as an excuse to leave any and all loose ends dangling like Jim Morrison’s dick in Florida. And especially coming after “El Sid,” it’s just insult to injury. PLEASE STOP BRINGING PEOPLE THROUGH THE VORTEX IF YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO TALK ABOUT THEM EVER AGAIN. You’re making me never want to watch this show again.

Still— contrary to all that (hyperbole) above, I enjoyed this episode. Why? Three reasons.

One: Rembrandt’s “it’s like a Buffet of Love” line, and Rembrandt’s “the moustache stays” line (he is in drag at this point- don’t ask why).

Lovely little paisley getup you've got there.

Two: Quinn’s sub-sub-sub plot with the MILF, actually dealing honestly with the implications that Quinn would sire a child he would never know, despite the fact that morally it’s kind of the right thing to do.

Soften dat focus, boiz.

Three: When the team is hiding from the Bureau of Repopulation in the attic at one point, they are found out in the most clever and hilarious way. I still can’t believe that they had the gall to use this joke, and that this joke actually worked. See, they’re a bunch of escaped men hiding in a world with no men, right? So how are they found out?

BUSTADO

GENIUS! That’s so genius! That’s fucking incredible! I thought that was incredible the first time I saw it (when I was like, 11 or 12), and I still think it’s incredible. That gag is enough for this episode to get a free pass.

Dude is SO deep in that vortex. (Also WTF is that statue?)

Okay, almost a free pass.

Returning to the original question of this entry: what do we want out of this show? This episode isn’t the answer at all. But it’s a part of it. If this episode does anything, it shows that there is a place for humor on the show. We just aren’t yet clear on where that humor is supposed to go, or how it’s really supposed to be used. But I think we can all agree that we want, like, one more hour of attention paid to the alternate-history.

And also, no more vans being driven into the Vortex.

Next Week: Yee-haw! It’s “The Good, The Bad, & The Wealthy.”

[I'm going to start actually advertising the next episode I'll be watching, in case you want to watch along with me!]

A brief scheduling note, first. Season One had a pretty set-in-stone running order. That running order was thrown out the window by FOX, but I chose to do these posts in the original, intended order.

Part of the ‘re-tooling’ the show’s gone through at this point is a pretty solid “NO STRONG CONTINUITY LINKING ONE EPISODE TO ANOTHER” rule. Which is something I’m going to discuss later (actually at the end of this episode). There’s still an general intention of airing order on the creative team’s side, but it doesn’t really matter, and they know that any of their input would be ignored anyways.

So that leaves me in a bit of a tricky situation: what order do I choose to cover the show in? Do I go with the order they were aired? Or do I go with the Production order, the order they were filmed in?

I’m going to do a little bit of both. Season Two is a scattershot season, safe to say. Part of my decision comes from the fact that “The Young And The Relentless” (Production Order), isn’t as strong as “Invasion” (Production Suggestion) or “As Time Goes By’ (Air Date) in terms of ‘satisfying season finale.’ I won’t tell you exactly which episode I’m saving for last, but I will give you a hint: “wow.”

Anyways, on to “El Sid.” I must say that so far through Season Two, my memory has not served either I or the episodes well. I mean, I knew that “Time Again And World” wasn’t going to be great, but I didn’t remember being the god-awful dreck it turned out to be.

Sadly, so it also goes with “El Sid.” This episode is nowhere near as bad as last week’s, safe to say. It gives us a more realized Alternate Dimension Hook Populated By Realistic Characters than “Time Again And World,” for sure.

But then again, “Time Again” was a crock of shit— total nonsense at best, deeply insulting at worst. So comparing “El Sid” to it is like comparing a rotten apple in a landfill to a rotten orange in a dumpster.

Let’s give this an insult sandwich, how about. Let’s look at the titular Sid:

You wouldn't like him when he's... oh right.

Look he is throwing that door so far! He is so angry and strong! Got that? Angry? Strong? Good. That’s as far as you’ll get with character development. He’s got a girlfriend, Michelle, who he is mean to and regularly beats up (I guess— we don’t actually see that happen, we just have his anger and Wade’s intuition that it’ll happen). Michelle counters that life isn’t so bad with Sid— on the world they come from, he’s strong, he protects her. Protection on a rough world is hard to come by, making Sid indispensable to her.

Yes, sometimes I do purposefully pick out the least flattering screencaps.

Wait, let’s parse it out. We’ll start at where they come from. I think this is important, because this (I think!) is the first “War-Torn World For No Reason” that we’ve had on the show so far. I mention this because it eventually, for whatever reason, becomes a staple of the show.

If ammunition was scarce (as I assume t'would be on a war-torn world), why would you waste it shooting at the sky?

Here, though, it’s used to give us the only bit of information we have about our guest stars: it’s rough here, they have to be rough, too. That’s about it.

So rough. Hard-edged. Oh, who am I kidding this dude is bullshit.

Quinn, being an idiot, tries to “save” Michelle from an “angry” Sid. But again, being an idiot, he announces to Sid “hey Dude I’m standing behind you with a metal pipe,” to which Sid replies “cool, thanks for the warning I’m going to beat you up.” Then Rembrandt, being less of an idiot, just goes ahead and hits Sid with a pipe without letting him know first. Then they slide out of the war-torn world (the WTW, as it will now forever be known), taking Michelle with them. Sid, not really being an idiot but taking advantage of how idiotic the Sliders are, slides with them. WOW!

But let’s return to Michelle’s ‘abusive’ relationship to Sid. The show would have us instantly side with the Sliders when they say “no, Sid is bad, you should leave him.” But Michelle’s argument of “but he protects me,” when applied to what life must be like on a ravaged world of asshole dudes with guns, becomes more than just a stammered protest. She’s actually in the right here. And of course, that’s not me condoning spousal abuse, but it is the show accidentally hitting on a tricky subject.

The sliders, once again, don’t know anything about the world they were on, and blindly apply their own world’s rules to any situation they run in to. By this time, they should know better. Really, they should. But already at this point in the series, we aren’t going to have any sort of meaningful discussion of morally grey areas. The Sliders must always be right. Everyone else must be wrong. It’s like the laziest approach that Star Trek would take: us Utopian Humans are SO AWESOME and everyone else can SUCK IT, here is our CULTURE so ADAPT to it.

But that doesn’t make sense without a giant spaceship to back it up. The sliders are supposed to make do with the world they inhabit. And if they can’t do that, then they shouldn’t be travelling in the first place. Also a big problem: the fact that the ‘Freeing’ Michelle from Sid culminates in her murdering him. So, yeah! That’s great…

The problem is that so much of their inability to adapt in this episode also stems from their increased snippiness. Again, they’re at each other’s throats. Again, Wade snaps at Arturo. Quinn stands there and says nothing. Rembrandt gets at least one sassy line in. I understand the need for like, conflict, but why are we supposed to care about these people if they don’t care about each other? Especially when they used to have such an endearing and close relationship.

And the hair! What is WITH his hair? Like, "oh, I am sliding and also a pariah of science now, so I'mma let this shit grow frumpy."

And that’s before I even talk about the fake-out “betrayal” that Arturo uses near the end of the episode. That was such a contrived bit of forced tension. Or actually, it should have been a contrived bit of forced tension, were it not for the fact that since the sliders act like they all hate each other, why the hell wouldn’t Arturo betray them? Ugh so lazy.

Also WTF has Remmy been doing all season? It's like they said "no more 'funny black dude' jokes" but couldn't think of anything else for him to do so now he just reacts to the dumb shit going on around him.

And that’s before I even talk about the world they spend most of their time in. Remember the credits sequence’s “a world where San Francisco is a high-security prison?” Well, here we are, folks!

I am making a joke about Pink Floyd right now.

So… okay, fine, whatever. I honestly don’t think that it’s really a bad idea for an ‘alternate history,’ such as it is. And I almost admire the fact that the sliders don’t know it’s a prison until two-thirds through their stay there. That’s an interesting plot decision— but the way it plays out in the episode (especially on a second [or 10th or whatever] viewing) makes it seem more like the cast are a bunch of total morons for not picking up on it. It’s like the show is BEGGING for us to HATE these people! But hey, a geodesic dome (it’s at this point that the location scouts in Vancouver just. gave. up.):

COPPIN' SOME DOME

So at the end of the episode, the Sliders slide off into the crumbling sunset. Before that happens, though, we have Wade teaching Michelle to be independent, which results in her shooting Sid to death. Good lessons in feminism abound! (Though I must say that Sid’s “give me the gun, bitch” line comes off as oddly over-harsh and inappropriate to the show). Then, since she’s “Free,” she follows the sliders into the vortex. And the episode ends.

But not without blowing off some excess budget first!

Which is awesome! Now, next week, we’ll have to deal with how someone who really has no idea what this shit is about adapts to sliding!

Except, no, we won’t, because this is Sliders, and we are strictly forbidden to ever mention this happening again.

So Michelle joins the team, and is never heard from again.

WHAT A FUCKING WASTE.

I’m now going to play one of my nerd cards and tell you about one of my ideas for Sliders fan fiction (and here is where I also tell you that there is a HUGE WORLD of Sliders fanfic, and at some point, I will be sharing a list of my favorites).

One of my ‘episodes’ (and by ‘episode,’ I mean ‘a comic series that fills in the gaps between episodes’) would begin as “El Sid” ends, with the sliders taking Michelle with them.

They slide into an unforgiving desert world. Michelle is totally excited to be on a really different kind of world, runs around without paying attention to her surroundings, gets bitten by a poisonous snake, and is dead before the end of the teaser.

The rest of the episode is about how the sliders deal with her death and what it means and how irresponsible it was of them to bring her in the first place.

So there, I’m a cynic. But then, this episode also kind of blew. So I’m entitled.

And the less said about fake LL Cool J here, the better.

Next week: Again, ladies choice.