I Will Make You Lords & Kings (Sliders Comics: Blood & Splendor).

So here we have what, in theory, is a holy grail: a comic that based directly on a treatment for an episode of the show that couldn’t be filmed due to budgetary restrictions. I mean, in theory (a different theory), that’s what all of these comics are supposed to be. But this one, as the story goes, is the real deal— Tracy Tormé’s child, made flesh!

Bonus Points for the Bones in the Corner.

Okay, but seriously, I’m basically going to spend this entire post focusing on this panel:

But really, I meant this panel:

Holy shit. I actually meant this panel:

Okay, that’s enough. But seriously, that (and the fact that it’s supposed to be QUINN) is ridiculous. And even more ridiculous is the fact that the artist who did the pencils for this issue is the dude who’s in charge of the pencils on like, a pretty important comic series you guys have prooobably heard of:

You know, this guy.

Yeah, so, like, “hey.” This comic actually has some, like, community importance.

MAXIMUM ANATOMY

Too bad it blows.

Okay, before I submit to full-on slamming, I guess I should at least  talk about what happens in it.

Ugh, next they’ll be expecting me to accept that the sky could be Violet or something!

Goblins. Let’s just say these Sliders comics have the hands-down weirdest bookender worlds, like, ever. What are these Goblins? What is the evolutional purpose of Goblins? I don’t know, I don’t care, Quinn says “Smell You Later” to them. Okay fine. They slide, no biggie.

What is a biggie is the fact that while they’re in the vortex the re-enact that one episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where Barclay sees magic worms in the transporter beam. One of them grabs Wade, which prompts Quinn to “pull in tight,” and more or less drop kick a motherfuckin’ worm in the motherfuckin’ vortex.

Y’know, Indie Comics just don’t have enough THWA-THACK-ing in them.

I’m going to let that one go for a little bit and return to it, because that’s more or less what the comic does. First we have a AZTEC FIRE BURNING:

BURN BABY BURN (or whatever)

Okay, what? We’re like 8 pages in and I have no idea what’s going on. Anyways, they’re ‘caught’ (or whatever) by these “Aztecs,” and they’re like “Oh yeah let’s just talk in English in their faces because they are so dumb obvz becuz they’re all wearing loincloths.” Actually, no joke, the Professor just calls them “SAVAGES.”

More like Professor Grump-Turo (or whatever)

But then he eats his words because this comic gives us a moment which, I have to admit, is equivalent to the “toilet seat” moment in “Love Gods.”

More like Professor TAKE THAT-turo (or whatever).

Ha! Take that you White Ass.

Anyways, mild racism aside, the comic pretty much immediately takes the obvious turn of “Sliders captured. Enemies try to make Quinn help them invent Sliding (or whatever) so they can Conquer, like, everyone. Rembrandt does something else. Sliders start revolution to overthrow ‘government.'”

I guess it makes sense that this comic is adapted from a real episode, because it’s just about as boring as “Time Again & World.” Seriously, this is without a doubt the most boring of all the comics I’ve read so far. Thanks to the incredibly bad artwork inside (seriously, it looks like sub-Rob Liefeld kind of crap— and if you’re in the know, that’s just about the worst insult I could ever give someone), it can’t even carry the inherent campiness to the comic. I mean, really— this could be on par with like, Adam West Batman. Quinn’s in a sacrificial loincloth the entire time and so are most of the locals, there are huge ziggurats everywhere, and Rembrandt befriends a Sacrifice-Pimp who orders a ‘double Shirley Temple.’ Not to mention that the fact of Quinn being in a loincloth surrounded by other loinclothed dudes would basically invent Sliders slashfic. You think you got a problem signing all those pictures of you in “Fever,” Jerry O’Connell? Wait ’til you get a load-a THIS! If this was actually televised, it would be the most hilarious hour of the show.

But it isn’t, it’s drawn. And it’s drawn poorly. This comic is probably the least imaginative work of ‘art’ I’ve looked at. I don’t know. I can’t really articulate it’s failure in concrete terms. So I guess I should at least briefly mention the fact that these comics didn’t do very well, and the Sliders run was shuttered after one more issue?

I guess that’s a drag. But just like the show itself, these comics are a much better idea than they are an actual thing that exists and is interesting. If these comics had their shit together, they’d be a welcome edition to the Sliders canon. But as it stands, they are (for the most part) more of an indication of the tackiness the show will soon descend into rather than the sci-fi optimism it once had. These comics are eerily prescient in that way, I suppose.

But who wants to be prescient about impending mediocrity?

Next time, I’ll wrap up this detour into the printed realm with “Deadly Secrets,” and then it’s  time for SEASON THREE and I KNOW you are all SOO EXCITED for that.

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